when the person you like talks to you first
i was gonna write some shit on that “Aladdin GIF” but I think it’s better to just keep it as a standalone personal text post.
so i’ve been feeling super blah lately even with the school semester over and warm weather here. some factors: live with my parents, in the suburbs, my sister Krupa is like 2,000 miles away, i don’t feel healthy, and i’m in real need of comfort from a man. i think the last one is eating at my black heart… i’m pretty confident and i know i’m pretty awesome and i know other people think i’m smart and funny as well. BUT.. TO BE HONEST, just once i’d like a man to react like Aladdin does in that GIF towards me. is that horrible to say? i just wanna have the outer beauty shine for a bit because it gets tiring having to depend on inner beauty all the time. sometimes i just want to walk into a safe setting and have a cute guy just walk up to me because he finds me physically attractive.
i get super jealous too. i need to stop being such a misogynistic douchebag when i get jealous of girls that receive attention from boys. like that’s disgusting of me. it’s gross that a combo of my insecurities and this dumbfuck heteropatriarchy (here i go again with the “buzzwords”) makes me think “ew, why is he with HER/him” or “she is SOO lucky that she gets so much attention from guys…”
like gag me with a chainsaw. that is destructive shit i am thinking/perpetuating.
honestly, what triggered this was when i texted my best friend “i want to have sexy time with a fratboy” (typical immature me) and she replied with, “go have sexies!” I know it was just playful and whatever, but it just really struck me where it’s like… it’s actually not that simple for that to happen. Asshole me thought “easy for you to say.. being thin, conventionally attractive and etc etc.” UGH and that’s me knowing that she goes through so much shit every day just being a woman. stupid stupid stupid. like wtf and obviously it’s the same case for many.. where i am so attracted to white cisgender men of a fit build. And being Filipino, queer, and not fit (i think)…. it just doesn’t happen for me. i don’t even know how to continue these thoughts… or organize them for that matter. to be blunt, wanna know who is attracted to me? old white men. and i’m def not in the mood for that shit.
i realize that none of this shit makes sense, but i typed it out anyway. not really sure where to go from here beside reading some audre lorde and vandana shiva. ALSO, idk if i know how to hold myself accountable or like call myself out in these situations. ugh confusion.. sadness..